Big Brother - The Civil War Episodes
By Shelby Toe
(Inspired by the CBS TV show Big Brother.)
What do you get when you lock up several war personalities in a house with cameras on them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and have them vote each week to expel each other? Zany shenanigans, expected problems and some surprises. Here's how it unfolded.
The guests arrive. Forrest gets there first, with the most luggage. Sherman arrives last, delayed by burning houses all the houses on the South side of the street. McClellan, thinking there are already 450 people in the house, gives up and goes home.
End of Week One.
As expected Ben Butler is put out quickly. By making a general declaration that he was going to treat all the women as ladies of ill repute, plying their trade he made enemies of all the women and most of the men, except for Earl Van Dorn, Kilpatrick and Joe Hooker who were all for it.
He leaves quickly without saying good bye. The women celebrate by painting his likeness in the toilets, however the mood turns somber when they discover all the spoons in the house are missing.
Jubal Early leaves also when he is discovered writing disparaging grafitti about Longstreet in the bathroom which is punctuated by his rude remarks at the dinner table. Armistead bends a paper plate over his head, and his friend Hancock, not feeling that is enough, uses the microwave. When Ol' Jube wakes up in the E.R the eviction notice is beside him.
Mother Bickerdyke takes a hike. She receives eviction votes from everyone but Sherman, who she ranks. Her constant tantrums in the kitchen and attempts to keep the men in bed all day are too much for them to take. John Pope is discovered to be an intolerable drunk. His late night singing and picking a different persons bed to vomit and urinate on brings an eviction notice. When he is discovered passed out with his face in the commode Lee comments "His headquarters are where his Hindquarters should be."
The assignment of daily chores and the failure of members to pull their weight results in a triple eviction. The residents are outraged to see the weekly garbage truck pull away while the house's garbage is still piled up in the garage. After checking who is responsible the irate residents find the guilty trio... Fitz Lee, Tom Rosser and Pickett in the back yard barbecuing shad and drinking beer.
The guests are dropping like flies now. Kilpatrick, Van Dorn and Hooker are caught drilling a peep hole in the lady's shower. A traumatized Hooker spills the beans after Sally Preston and Mary Todd Lincoln switch shower times.
Forrest is finally gone too. He soundly thrashes Hood, but the sympathy for the crippled general outweighs the fact that he was in dire need of an arsewhupping. On the way out Forrest slaps Braggs Jaws... and makes him resent it.
Mary Todd Lincoln wears a bikini to the weekly Barbecue, an emergency session is held and she is gone with in minutes.
A tragic week for Southerners. Stonewall Jackson, taking his nightly walk around the grounds is mistaken for a prowler and shot by a neighbor. His last words are "Let us cross over the swimming pool and rest in the shade of the patio."
The issue of doing chores and pulling ones weight rears its head again. Tasked with cutting the grass Jeb Stuart disappears on the riding mower. He returns after three days of joy riding around the neighborhood. Despite bringing a milk truck, pizza delivery van, ice cream truck and an ambulance back with him he is promptly booted.
John Bell Hood, totally looped from painkillers and trying to win back the affection of Sally Preston, crawls into bed with a totally unreceptive Mary Chestnut. All three are voted out. Hood for being a druggie, Sally for being an insufferable tease and Mary Chesnut for failing to perform, as Grant stated, "Her wenchly and patriotic duties." Noticing that Sally was only in the next bed Hood says while leaving " I should have gone to the right."
Sherman gets the axe. After over a month of civil behavior the pyromaniac trait in him cannot be controlled any longer. He sets fire to Braxton Bragg's eyebrows while he is passed out in a lawn chair. Bragg blames Longstreet, who threatens to call Forrest back to finish the arsewhupping he started. After an evening of drinking, singing and expressing their devotion to each other Armistead and Hancock are caught in a compromising position in the Jacuzzi. As they are leaving Lee questions Armistead about the bruises on his wrists, arms and thighs. Armistead responds "towards the end of the evening.. things got a little rough."
The tasking of chores brings about another loss in the number of houseguests. Longstreet, tasked with washing the breakfast dishes at 8 AM does not do them until 1:45 PM. Bragg is sent on an errand to the grocery store where he runs into Forrest who puts him in traction, effectively removing him from the house.
As expected the last two remaining Generals are the dogged Grant and the gentleman Lee.
Week Seven - the final episode.
Grant and Lee sit outside by the pool and decide that they enjoy staying out of the public and that they will milk the show for all its worth by simply not voting to evict each other. They shake hands and agree and return to go to the house... and find themselves locked out. A quick check of the revised rules reveals that anyone who spends more than six hours outside the house is automatically eliminated. The time passes by and despite their best efforts they cannot get inside. When the time is up the door opens and the two gentlemen's luggage comes flying out the door. The door is slammed shut and locked again. The disbelieving generals reluctantly pick up their bags and slowly walk away. Grant curses as he notices something is broken and leaking in his bag. As they get out of sight the curtains open up to reveal the winner.... the house's owner, Wilbur Mclean.