Friends episode 415:
"The One With All The Rugby"
Teleplay by: Wil Calhoun
Story by: Andrew Reich and Ted Cohen
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting a petticure.]
Chandler: You said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!
Rachel: Chandler, thereís a guy right over there. (Points to the counter)
Chandler: Thatís a mailman! Thatís our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?
Rachel: Chandler, donít worry! This doesnít make you less of a guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?
Woman: OHÖMYÖGAWD!! (Yep, you guessed it. Itís Janice.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]
Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do?
Joey: Ohh, Nothing.
Monica: Didnít it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did?
Joey: I know what it did! Nothing.
Monica: They wouldnít have put it there if it didnít do something! How can you not care?
Joey: Like this. (Shrugs)
Rachel: Well, hereís another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does?
Joey: Sure! It flushes it.
Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it?
Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!
Joey: Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in surprise.)
Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?!
Chandler: Isnít this amazing?
Monica: How have you been?
Janice: Oh well, Iím divorced.
Phoebe: Ohhh, wow.
Janice: Yeah, Iím riding the alimony pony. (Does the now famous laugh.)
Joey: And there it is.
Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, Iíll see you tonight.
Chandler: Okay. Bye.
Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After itís closed) I canít stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)
Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personalityóWell, theyíre all back! Yíknow? And sheís picked up like nine new ones!
Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! Thereís people here!
Chandler: Donít worry about it. Iím taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)
Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her.
Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I donít have to break up with her this time. Weíre not involved! Iím going to do a pre-emptive strike! Iím going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)
Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) Iím telliní ya!
[Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.]
Emily: I canít believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York.
Ross: No, itís really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe.
(At that moment two very large men start screaming and running towards Emily and picking her up.)
Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!!
Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. (Introducing them) Liam, Devon, this is Ross.
Devon: Hey, mate.
Liam: How are ya man?
Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? (Imitating himself) Help! Help!
Emily: So how are you? Iíve been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, Iíve been rather busy.
Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert?
Emily: Oh my God. I think youíre right.
Liam: (puts his arm around her) Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning.
Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her back.)
Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or somethingóor should I call it (In an English accent) football?
Devon: We were playing rugby.
Liam: In fact weíre playing a game at the park tomorrow. Youíre welcome to play too if you want.
Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I donít think so.
Ross: Whatís ah, whatís so funny about that?
Emily: Well I mean, youíre American to start with. You donít even have rugby here.
Ross: Well, we didnít have freedom here until 1776, either soÖ
Devon: So good then! Weíll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers!
(Liam and Devon both take a swig of their beers, while Ross takes a swig of his coffee. The Brits both crush their cans, and not to be out done, Ross crushes his coffee cup, spilling its contents.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.]
Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing!
Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.
Janice: Oh, look at us! Who wouldíve thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails. (Does the laugh)
Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. Iím just getting out of a very serious relationshipÖ
Janice: I know! And Iím just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be!
Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.
Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time.
Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!
Janice: Oh no! Where to? (Gasps) Too Paris?
Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris.
Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona?
Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. Thatís right, yes, Iím being transferred to Yemen!
Chandler: I donít know exactly.
Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.
Chandler: But I do know that itís some time tomorrow.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.]
Rachel: (entering, with Joey) Hey!
Joey: Hey! Whatís up?
Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them donít work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is.
Joey: (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before you did.
Rachel: Yíknow, you-you also couldíve used uh, lamps and then followed the light.
Monica: Yeah, well, Iím using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? (They all start looking until Rachel realises itís Joey.)
Rachel: Itís coming from Joey!
Phoebe: Oh my God, thatís so freaky! Turn him off!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining.
Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. Iím watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I donít know what the big deal is. Iím man enough to play this sport.
Joey: Dude, youíre not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.
Janice: (entering) Hey there Ross!
Ross: (shocked) Hey!
Phoebe: (whispering to Ross) Janice.
Chandler: Yíknow uh, you didnít really have to help me pack.
Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didnít really leave me much choice. Did you?
Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!
Joey: Hey-hey, whatís going on?
Chandler: Oh, Iím packing. Yíknow Iím-Iím packing Ďcause Iím moving to Yemen tomorrow.
Joey: Thanks for telling me!
(Janice runs into the bedroom.)
Chandler: Iím only going to pretend Iím moving to Yemen, itís the only way I can get rid off her.
Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country.
Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, Iím gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. Itís a real space saver.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that Ďcause it makes me look taller.
Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on!
Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!
Joey: Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I canít believe you said youíd play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is!
Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right?
Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad.
Ross: Thatís Ďcause-Ďcause youíre momís dog kept-kept looking at me.
Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. Thatís called a scrum, okay? Itís kinda like a huddle.
Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle?
Joey: Ross! (Laughs) Theyíre gonna kill you!
Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway?
Ross: Well, you shouldíve seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, heís like Joe Rugby.
Phoebe: Youíre kidding! And he plays rugby?! Thatís so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right.
Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So Iím gonna show her how tough I really am!
Rachel: (starts laughing, Ross stares at her) Iím sorry. Iím sorry. Youíre right, you are a tough guy. Youíre the toughest palaeontologist I know.
Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! Itís not like heísÖChandler!
Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks!
Ross: Look, donít worry about me. Okay? Iíll just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. Iíll uh, Iíll be that guy right out of the circle. (He points to a player who starts running and then gets viscously tackled from behind.)
Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookiní at him.
(Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey stops him.)
[Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to support Ross.]
Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy (Points), and that guy (Points). And that oneóDude! Theyíre all huge!
Ross: They donít look any bigger than me!
Joey: Well, maybe thatís because youíre closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are.
Emily: Iím just going to say hi to the lads. All right?
Ross: All right.
Emily: Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.)
(A player comes over and picks up a ball in front of Phoebe.)
Phoebe: (to the player) Hi.
(The player stands up and smiles. Showing that he has no front teeth.)
Phoebe: Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I kinda liked it.
(The referee blows the whistle and the players gather to start the game.)
Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. Iíve got to go Red Ross. (Joey and Phoebe donít know what heís talking about.) Yíknow, Red Ross!
Joey: I totally donít know what youíre talking about.
Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!!
Ross: Youíll see.
[Cut to Emily, Devon, and Liam]
Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, itís his first time.
Liam: You donít say! (We see Ross who is hopping about with the ball and spikes it in his face.)
Emily: (to Ross) Good luck, babe.
(The scrum forms and the game is underway.)
Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! (Ross gets pumped up.) Ross! Come on!
(Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the scrum.)
Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in!
(Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top of the scrum and falls headfirst into the middle, leaving his feet sticking straight up.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachelís, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: YouÖareÖnot going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened?
Monica: He asked you out?!
Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.
Rachel: (refers to the table) What are these?
Monica: Electrical plans for the building.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?
Monica: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours.
Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew.
[Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.]
Chandler: Yíknow you, really didnít have to take me to the airport.
Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Yíknow? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends donít really seem to care too much that youíre leaving.
Chandler: Well, weíre really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.
Janice: On no! No! Itís not good-bye, Iím not leaving until you get on that plane.
Chandler: Okay. Then I guess itís just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.
Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen?
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.
Ticket Counter Attendant: Iím sorry sir, I donít understand.
Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?
Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child?
Chandler: No. All right, yíknow what, sheís (Points to Janice) gonna think that Iím handing you a credit card, but what Iím really gonna do is hand you a library card.
Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we donít take library cards.
Janice: Whatís the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay?
Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express?
[Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting killed.]
Emily: I canít believe theyíre doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him!
Phoebe: No offence but, yíknow sometimes itís hard to understand you, yíknow with the accent, soÖ
(The whistle blows.)
Emily: Thatís just halftime, thereís more of this.
(Ross limps over all covered in mud.)
Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game!
Ross: (to Emily) Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle of water?
Ross: Thanks. (When sheís gone he collapses into Joey.) I-I think Iím dying. I really do.
Phoebe: Oh, poor baby.
Ross: (to Phoebe) Tell my son that I love him. (Emily returns with the water.) Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun!
Emily: Ross, they are killing you out there!
Ross: (whines "No.") Thatís not true!
Phoebe: Sheís right! You have to stop!
Ross: What? No! No, Iím not stopping. Iím Red Ross!
Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, youíre gonna be Dead Ross!
Ross: I donít care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game!
Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help you.
Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything.
Emily: No. Thatís not what Iím saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain.
Ross: I like that.
Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle.
Emily: One swift kick and heíll back off.
Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it!
Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesnít wear a cup.
Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay!
Emily: And uh, Liam, Liamís got bad knees. You hit him right and heíll go down like a lamp.
Ross: But-but, Liamís on my team.
Emily: I donít care! You just get him!
Ross: Iím gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! (Squeals like a madman.)
Joey: The Red Ross! Okay.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachelís, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]
Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that werenít there originally.) What-what are-what are these?
Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought theyíd brighten up the place. They do donít you think?
(Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole underneath.)
Monica: No-no-no, no!
(Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this one doesnít have a hole underneath it.)
Monica: I know that thereís no hole there, I just really liked that picture.
(Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She then removes a fourth one, revealing a third hole.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this!
Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something!
Rachel: I donít care! The wires have come loose in your head!
Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.
Rachel: And did you?!
Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs.
(Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is covering a hole and gasps.)
Monica: But it didnít. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus.
Rachel: Oh my God.
Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling.
Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus.
[Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]
Phoebe: Now, are you sure you donít want to go see a doctor?
Ross: Oh no! That-thatíll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Yíknow what? Iím buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, itís in my pocket.
Joey: Yeah, sure.
Ross: No, not you. (Emily gets it.)
Joey: Uhh, look, your eyeís still popping out a little, Iím gonna go get some ice.
Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! (They go and get the coffee and the ice leaving Ross and Emily alone.)
Emily: You were amazing out there.
Ross: Oh, I kinda was, wasnít I?
Emily: Oh my God!
Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I havenít done that since I was four and I washed my dadís Porsche with rocks.
Emily: You really enjoyed yourself didnít you?
Ross: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three huge men, I gave a guy a bloody noseóI mean I-Iím not proud of it but, I really am. And itís all because of you, wonderful, amazing you.
Emily: I think youíve got concussion.
Ross: No, no, Iím serious. Thank you.
Emily: Youíre welcome. (She hugs him tightly and he winces.) Iím sorry. Did I hurt you?
Ross: Itís worth the pain. (She goes to hug him again.) Yíknow what, you know what? Itís not.
[Scene: The airport, the flight to Yemen is being called.]
Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.
Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go.
Janice: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. Iíll wait for you. Do you even know how long youíre going to be gone?
Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.
Janice: Oh. Well, Iíll right you everyday. (Reading the address) 15 Yemen Road, Yemen.
Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye.
(He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.)
Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!
Janice: No! No! I wanna see you take-off.
Chandler: Well, I then guess Iím going to Yemen! Iím going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachelís, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]
Monica: All right. The super couldnít figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldnít figure out what it did. Iíve had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up.
Rachel: Thank God.
Monica: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing.
[Cut to Chandler and Joeyís, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.]
Phoebe: See? Iím doing it. I am totally doing it. (Suddenly it stops working.) I lost it.